The Chains

I bind myself in the chains of self loathing. You're just not good enough something in side of me says. I look around inside myself and I find no self, just chains, clinging, binding, holding me under, keeping me locked to regrets, fears, unrealistic requests of myself, these are the things that knaw at my soul day in..day out..I can't hide..I can't run fast enough to escape my own shadow. The pressure I place upon myself and I search, I lash out, I try to put the blame, the reason for these feelings on someone else, but ..it's just me..it's just my lack of self esteem ..the burdens I've carried so long..for so many years of my life I was never good enough, never thin enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough, I held on too long, too tight, I sold myself too cheap..I'd be anything for anyone, anyone but myself that is. And now..I am all grown up..I'm a wife..a momma..I have to strive..I have to walk the narrow path..but I feel like anything but an adult..I feel like a child, unable to support myself, unable to make my own decisions, looking to anyone to tell me what it is that I need to be doing with my life..but noone has that answer..especially not me.
  I've been so low here lately, scared to death of making the wrong decisions with my life, afraid that I won't be able to help support my family, afraid that I won't do well in school. I am tired, I am weary, and I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I need faith like air to fill me, I need God to lift me off my knees and dust me off, let me know it's ok to let go, it's ok to reinvent myself, it's ok to be this new person, a new person in him.
  I think it's time to lay the chains aside, I need to breathe, I need to live for me, for my husband, for our daughter, for this time that I am given here on Earth.

The Long Road Ahead

   Tonight marks my last free night before another long full semester of classes. In one way I am dreading the next 3 + months of long hours studying, driving back and forth to school, staying up late to get my assignments done. But at the same time I am looking at it as a milestone. I have roughly another 10 classes before I embark on the biggest decision I've made for myself in a long time..applying to nursing school. Wow..yeah it gives me the willies, but at the same time I'm proud of myself for taking a huge step towards being an independant adult for the first time in my life. This is going to be my first real career and that is scary and hopeful all at the same time. I know that this will give me and my family the opportunity to strike out and find our place in the world, to finally be set free of our financial woes and we can start living for ourselves.
  I would also like to take a moment to thank my very good friend Misty for her great encouragement about my decision to make a long term choice for my family. Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to show you that you really are moving in the right direction, even when you feel like you're going in circles.
  So, here is to another prayerfully great semester at school. I plan to dive in head first and I know that God will be with me through the difficulties. He is my strength and I know that this is his will as much as it is my own. Thank you Lord for the opportunity, the blessing, and the encouragement.

The Season

I'm sitting down to write today mostly to release stress and work out my thoughts on paper. Our daughters 3rd birthday is in a few days and I have to admit I am lost in the awareness that I can't stop her from growing up..moving on..and no longer being my precious little bundle of joy.
  I'm sure every parent comes to this realization when they stop and take a step back from the hectic hay day of life. Wow..my baby is starting to become a little girl..where has this time gone..the time of being up all night..rocking and swaying her to sleep..the bottles and woobies..and mid afternoon snoozes..now it's dresses and tea parties..and soon it will be boys..and college..where is my life going..
  I feel so wound tight with the stress of trying to figure out my own life..juggling school full time..with a child..a husband..dishes always needing to be washed..laundry never ending..feeling like my duties are overflowing each day like Mount Vesuvius on a bad day. I know that I too often forget to stop and thank God for these precious moments..these times of folding tiny little socks..of cleaning sticky finger prints off of the refrigerator..this is the good life..this is the time that I will be at my best..and at my worst.
  Thank you Lord for this tiny blessing..this sweet..beautiful..little girl..Thank you for bestowing her upon us..Thank you for believing in us..and blessing us so greatly!

Sowing in the new year

   The New Year..like fertile soil waiting for us to toil and sow our hopes and ambitions. With nurturing and love some of those resolutions blossom into strong rooted trees and gentle swaying flowers. But, why is it that we compell ourselves to make these too often unaccomplished promises to ourselves only at the New Year. Do we think that with the breaking of a new calander year we can wash away the inhibitions, the fears, the failures of the last year of our life? It leaves one to wonder why it is that we don't embrace the fact that each moment, each day is an opportunity to relinquish ourselves to God..to see ourselves as creations of the Master Hand..rather than just bustling ants in the mound of life.

   I too have ambitions, hopes, and promises for this year. I have opened myself to the journey of finding my true self. Not just the self that I see in the mirror each day, the self that needs to lose a few pounds, the self that needs a haircut and more stylish clothes, not the self that feels loathing for not spending enough time with my husband, with my baby girl who is growing soo quickly..slipping through my hands..finding her independance..leaving me heavy hearted and empty handed. I often feel I spend too much time worrying over things that I can not change. I drive myself to the brink of insanity holding up the world like Atlas, carrying burden after burden. With a heavy laden heart I blame myself for not being strong enough, not being good enough, not being accomplished enough. I have to get through school, I have to support the family, I have to be accomplished..all of these have to's at the end of the day..I feel like there is nothing left of me..and when I ask myself this question..I feel quilt..why should I feel guilt with wanting to find myself? I suppose that is an incredibly valid question.
   I have begun to realize that in finding God I will find myself. I am a Christian, I have attended church, though unfortunately not for some time now, I've gotten too busy in my life..Wow..how can you get too busy for God? I think a lot of people get too busy for God they get caught up in the rat race, the big fancy house, the shiney new car, soccer practice with the kids, dinner with the neighbors. God gets put on the back burner of our lives. And we wonder why our marriages are suffering, why our children are disfunctional..why our nation is crumbling before our very eyes. We have forgotten the one and most important aspect of our lives..God.
  I have begun to feel like the Isrealites cast into the desert for their 40 years of solitude for not trusting in God's promises to them. I have gone to God asking for advice, for answers to my problems, and I know that he has given me those answers, though most of the time I either take my own advice or I'm just too deaf and blind to see the answer clearly in front of my face. So for now, I am in the desert, and I am searching ... traveling forth to the Mountain of God..