The Chains

I bind myself in the chains of self loathing. You're just not good enough something in side of me says. I look around inside myself and I find no self, just chains, clinging, binding, holding me under, keeping me locked to regrets, fears, unrealistic requests of myself, these are the things that knaw at my soul day in..day out..I can't hide..I can't run fast enough to escape my own shadow. The pressure I place upon myself and I search, I lash out, I try to put the blame, the reason for these feelings on someone else, but ..it's just me..it's just my lack of self esteem ..the burdens I've carried so long..for so many years of my life I was never good enough, never thin enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough, I held on too long, too tight, I sold myself too cheap..I'd be anything for anyone, anyone but myself that is. And now..I am all grown up..I'm a wife..a momma..I have to strive..I have to walk the narrow path..but I feel like anything but an adult..I feel like a child, unable to support myself, unable to make my own decisions, looking to anyone to tell me what it is that I need to be doing with my life..but noone has that answer..especially not me.
  I've been so low here lately, scared to death of making the wrong decisions with my life, afraid that I won't be able to help support my family, afraid that I won't do well in school. I am tired, I am weary, and I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I need faith like air to fill me, I need God to lift me off my knees and dust me off, let me know it's ok to let go, it's ok to reinvent myself, it's ok to be this new person, a new person in him.
  I think it's time to lay the chains aside, I need to breathe, I need to live for me, for my husband, for our daughter, for this time that I am given here on Earth.