Sowing in the new year

   The New Year..like fertile soil waiting for us to toil and sow our hopes and ambitions. With nurturing and love some of those resolutions blossom into strong rooted trees and gentle swaying flowers. But, why is it that we compell ourselves to make these too often unaccomplished promises to ourselves only at the New Year. Do we think that with the breaking of a new calander year we can wash away the inhibitions, the fears, the failures of the last year of our life? It leaves one to wonder why it is that we don't embrace the fact that each moment, each day is an opportunity to relinquish ourselves to God..to see ourselves as creations of the Master Hand..rather than just bustling ants in the mound of life.

   I too have ambitions, hopes, and promises for this year. I have opened myself to the journey of finding my true self. Not just the self that I see in the mirror each day, the self that needs to lose a few pounds, the self that needs a haircut and more stylish clothes, not the self that feels loathing for not spending enough time with my husband, with my baby girl who is growing soo quickly..slipping through my hands..finding her independance..leaving me heavy hearted and empty handed. I often feel I spend too much time worrying over things that I can not change. I drive myself to the brink of insanity holding up the world like Atlas, carrying burden after burden. With a heavy laden heart I blame myself for not being strong enough, not being good enough, not being accomplished enough. I have to get through school, I have to support the family, I have to be accomplished..all of these have to's at the end of the day..I feel like there is nothing left of me..and when I ask myself this question..I feel quilt..why should I feel guilt with wanting to find myself? I suppose that is an incredibly valid question.
   I have begun to realize that in finding God I will find myself. I am a Christian, I have attended church, though unfortunately not for some time now, I've gotten too busy in my life..Wow..how can you get too busy for God? I think a lot of people get too busy for God they get caught up in the rat race, the big fancy house, the shiney new car, soccer practice with the kids, dinner with the neighbors. God gets put on the back burner of our lives. And we wonder why our marriages are suffering, why our children are disfunctional..why our nation is crumbling before our very eyes. We have forgotten the one and most important aspect of our lives..God.
  I have begun to feel like the Isrealites cast into the desert for their 40 years of solitude for not trusting in God's promises to them. I have gone to God asking for advice, for answers to my problems, and I know that he has given me those answers, though most of the time I either take my own advice or I'm just too deaf and blind to see the answer clearly in front of my face. So for now, I am in the desert, and I am searching ... traveling forth to the Mountain of God..